Michael Swaim and Dan ZembroskyContent and Business Editors
A recent eight-nation report released Monday indicates that “global warming is heating the Arctic almost twice as fast as the rest of the planet or something.” The report also mentions that the consequences of this warming could result in “bad stuff.”
When the effects of global warming were first discovered in the 1950’s, it was not seen as a reason for concern. “We were stoked,” explained meteorological scientist David Brenner. “It gets wicked cold in Michigan and we were like, sweet action, let’s warm this puppy up.”
Upon concluding that mankind was “totally kicking nature’s ass,” Brenner’s research team sent a letter to the White House which stated, “the products of fossil fuel combustion, industrial methods of production, and unmonitored pollution will result in a continued rise in the temperature of the Earth’s atmosphere. Let’s do it!”
Following Brenner’s advice, the U.S. began a program of active ozone depletion. Although fought by “radical, toad-licking fringe groups” like the Environmental Protection Agency, the effort was mainly a success, due to what government officials called the “widespread support of decent, SUV-loving, ringtailed-lemur-hating Americans.”
Ad Code goes here
-->
However, the scientific climate, like the world’s climate, is now changing. The recently released report indicates that if global warming continues, “many species will face extinction, droughts could become prevalent, and Eskimos will be royally fucked.”
Eskimo leader Ronnie Coolwater refuted the report’s claims by stating, “Eskimos are well prepared to craft igloos out of alternative materials such as soil, branches and whale blubber.”
Coolwater explained the situation at a conference on global warming in Vancouver, Canada. “As long as our whale blubber holds out, we’re golden.” He added, “Seriously, you can do everything with this stuff.” He then graphically proved his point by driving his whale blubber-fueled Eskimo car home to a whale blubber dinner, prepared by his wife, Jane Coolwater, who is herself eighty percent whale blubber.
Those less able to depend on whale blubber may not be able to adjust as successfully. “It’s not the warming that bothers us,” says Brenner, “but rather the incredible rate at which it is occurring. I mean, right now we’re nasty cold, and we wanted to get a little toastier. But if things keep going this way, pretty soon we’ll be in what we scientists are calling ‘the hot-as-a-gremlin’s-taint zone.’”
“A gremlin’s taint,” Bremmer continued to explain, “can range from 112 to 190 degrees when in heat. This is far above the normal temperature of a human taint, which averages a refreshing, equatorial 99 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Dramatic increases in temperature have already begun to affect Antarctica, where glaciation has begun a steady decrease, and the balls-sticking-to-leg quotient has skyrocketed.
“But this is just the beginning,” says Brenner. “Later on, we think it will get all cold again. I know, you’re like ‘what the hell?’ That’s exactly what we thought, too.” Many scientific teams have been equally surprised to find that, unlike their earlier predictions, data now indicates that global warming could ultimately result in a significant drop in the temperatures of many areas around the globe.
“The winds that carry warm air from the equator are in danger of dying out, which could result in a new ice age for many areas,” explained Daryl Rushbaum, Professor of Meteorology at UCLA and co-writer of the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”. He went on to explain “what the hell those wolves were about.”
“They represent Man’s hubris,” continued Rushbaum. “They are the danger we bring upon ourselves.”
Rushbaum is currently resting at Cedar Sinai Hospital after getting the Bajeezus beaten out of him, allegedly for writing “The Day After Tomorrow.”
A recent eight-nation report released Monday indicates that “global warming is heating the Arctic almost twice as fast as the rest of the planet or something.” The report also mentions that the consequences of this warming could result in “bad stuff.”
When the effects of global warming were first discovered in the 1950’s, it was not seen as a reason for concern. “We were stoked,” explained meteorological scientist David Brenner. “It gets wicked cold in Michigan and we were like, sweet action, let’s warm this puppy up.”
Upon concluding that mankind was “totally kicking nature’s ass,” Brenner’s research team sent a letter to the White House which stated, “the products of fossil fuel combustion, industrial methods of production, and unmonitored pollution will result in a continued rise in the temperature of the Earth’s atmosphere. Let’s do it!”
Following Brenner’s advice, the U.S. began a program of active ozone depletion. Although fought by “radical, toad-licking fringe groups” like the Environmental Protection Agency, the effort was mainly a success, due to what government officials called the “widespread support of decent, SUV-loving, ringtailed-lemur-hating Americans.”
Ad Code goes here
-->
However, the scientific climate, like the world’s climate, is now changing. The recently released report indicates that if global warming continues, “many species will face extinction, droughts could become prevalent, and Eskimos will be royally fucked.”
Eskimo leader Ronnie Coolwater refuted the report’s claims by stating, “Eskimos are well prepared to craft igloos out of alternative materials such as soil, branches and whale blubber.”
Coolwater explained the situation at a conference on global warming in Vancouver, Canada. “As long as our whale blubber holds out, we’re golden.” He added, “Seriously, you can do everything with this stuff.” He then graphically proved his point by driving his whale blubber-fueled Eskimo car home to a whale blubber dinner, prepared by his wife, Jane Coolwater, who is herself eighty percent whale blubber.
Those less able to depend on whale blubber may not be able to adjust as successfully. “It’s not the warming that bothers us,” says Brenner, “but rather the incredible rate at which it is occurring. I mean, right now we’re nasty cold, and we wanted to get a little toastier. But if things keep going this way, pretty soon we’ll be in what we scientists are calling ‘the hot-as-a-gremlin’s-taint zone.’”
“A gremlin’s taint,” Bremmer continued to explain, “can range from 112 to 190 degrees when in heat. This is far above the normal temperature of a human taint, which averages a refreshing, equatorial 99 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Dramatic increases in temperature have already begun to affect Antarctica, where glaciation has begun a steady decrease, and the balls-sticking-to-leg quotient has skyrocketed.
“But this is just the beginning,” says Brenner. “Later on, we think it will get all cold again. I know, you’re like ‘what the hell?’ That’s exactly what we thought, too.” Many scientific teams have been equally surprised to find that, unlike their earlier predictions, data now indicates that global warming could ultimately result in a significant drop in the temperatures of many areas around the globe.
“The winds that carry warm air from the equator are in danger of dying out, which could result in a new ice age for many areas,” explained Daryl Rushbaum, Professor of Meteorology at UCLA and co-writer of the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”. He went on to explain “what the hell those wolves were about.”
“They represent Man’s hubris,” continued Rushbaum. “They are the danger we bring upon ourselves.”
Rushbaum is currently resting at Cedar Sinai Hospital after getting the Bajeezus beaten out of him, allegedly for writing “The Day After Tomorrow.”
ไม่มีความคิดเห็น:
แสดงความคิดเห็น